It's strange to look back on life and the many places it has taken me. I have been looking through an email account that I haven't touched in about a year. I found an email from 3 years ago that I remember well.
It was a very dark time in my life: I was in reparative therapy to make me straight, hoping to serve a mission for the LDS Church (yet they told me I could probably only serve a service mission, which for a young man is a slap in the face, saying you aren't good enough, and all because I confessed my sins. Whereas, I'm sure most guys that go, don't, or they wouldn't be going...actually, I guess because their sins were with women it's okay, so never mind), I didn't have strong friends and all I wanted was love. I was counseling daily with my bishop of the time so that I could be worthy (worth it) again.
Here is an excerpt from this particular "Dear Bishop" journal entry May 18, 2007:
“But after I got home from volleyball, and even now as I write this e-mail, I have a strong desire for love and affection. I want so badly to love someone and be loved in return. I want romance. But, I know that what I want I can't have, and so I have to go on without it. I still am having a hard time feeling much of anything like love or concern though. It feels so empty to not have those good feelings or even feel any emotional attachment. I feel very alone. I will continue on though, I hope that as I continue on in what you have outlined that the Lord will answer my prayers.”
And the reply: “Plan and go on a date, or dates with a member of the opposite sex. There are plenty of young women out there who would love to date you.”
Rereading that has definitely brought me a lot of emotion. I see such a sad person in that boy that I was. Now, to see someone hurting so badly for love and affection (to give it and receive it) from someone they desire brings tears to my eyes, no matter whom. And that was me 3 years ago. Everyone deserves love; and why would God say that they can’t have it? How could I believe that God would say that? But I did, I accepted that I couldn’t have it…was resigned to my fate.
It’s thoughts of reliving my past or of anyone else having to live something similar that pushes me to fight for change. No one deserves to feel like they have to be happy without love, without the love shared between two people. If you agree, please don’t try to stop me, stand by me.
2 comments:
I'm sorry you were struggling so much then. I wish I would have been a better friend to you then, even not knowing what was going on. You are amazing and I love you. I don't think people should have to live without love either. Happiness is incredible and I'm so glad you are doing so much better than you were 3 years ago. Thanks for updating you blog. I wish you would more often ;-)
Thank you LieAnn...that means a lot.
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