I can remember two very distinct periods of my childhood and they correlate to the elementary schools I went to. During my first three years I never cared about the way I said things, how I looked or walked and I didn’t care about who I played with. The last three years were very different; I second guessed myself often, worried that any little thing I did or said might make me come off gay. I only cared because I was constantly reminded what the other kids thought of me, “Fag!” “Homo!” “Queer!” Names that only those who have been called by them know that they mean, “I hate you because you are different. You don’t deserve to be treated as an equal. You are not worth it.” I remember once a boy even came up behind me and thrust his self into me, most likely from a dare. I knew every one of those kids from church. I know that they weren’t taught to treat me that way in church, but interestingly enough I don’t remember a single instance where someone who didn’t go to my church called me such names.
“Heavenly Father, if I have to spend eternity in Hell, please do not make me be there alone. I will accept that I must be in Hell if you let me be with my family.” I plead with my creator through sobs and tears, trying to make a deal when I was just twelve years old. I was certain that because of something I had no control over, I would forever live in Hell. I had accepted my fate one night after nights of spending hours crying on my knees and only asked that my God wouldn’t abandon me to be alone. I asked that I could be with my family though there was no doubt in my mind that they would be in Heaven. I knew then that eternal punishment would be an existence without my family.
In church my self loathing grew deeper as I learned that God didn’t approve of the way I felt either, and that it was unnatural. I was taught that the natural man was an enemy to God and that somehow the unnatural way I felt was the natural man. To this day I am not sure if God wants me to be the natural man or an unnatural one, and I suppose I may never. I did come to know, however, that he does not like the way I am, regardless of its state of nature. I suppose that is why I was so quick to begin therapy to fix my handicap. I remember thinking somehow that I would no longer be broken, even though the therapist told me that I would always struggle with my same sex attraction but he would teach me the steps to recovery and maintaining a “healthy” life. Somehow, getting me to say “Fuck,” was part of the road to recovery. “Don’t you just want to swear sometimes, Matt?” he asked. “No, not really.” “You don’t even think swear words?” he came back with. “No, I don’t.” “Just say ‘fuck you’ to all those who have hurt you,” he prodded. “No, I don’t think I will.” I guess maybe if I had done what he wanted, I might be straight now. However, that was back when I would have taken a pill to become straight if there was one. Now, I would take a pill just to ensure that I will always be gay.
There came a point in my life when my self loathing turned into empowerment. I began to realize how ridiculous it was to spend life hating who I was. I began to realize that God loved me regardless and that he wanted me to have a family the way I wanted to have a family, with a husband and children. For the first time in my life, I was happy to be gay, and happy to be me. Ironically though, I became depressed but only because my happiness somehow made the people I love sad and I allowed their thoughts and their feelings to affect how I felt. I realized that that too, was not a healthy way to live.
It wasn’t long after that I realized that I would never fully love myself by embracing what I was taught in church. I had to let it go and let the Mormon Church go. My mother asked me once if being gay is the only reason I left the Mormon Church and truthfully it is not. I first questioned the church after a conversation one Christmas with my family. My father was explaining that scientology was a big crock because the man who started it was a science fiction author who said men were first aliens and they could only advance by paying large sums of money. I immediately thought, “Strange, mormonism was began by a fourteen year old boy who said that men were first intelligences (whatever that is) and they could only advance by paying ten percent of everything they earned.” Being gay didn’t make me lose faith in the Mormon Church, the Mormon Church made me lose faith in the Mormon Church.
I have also many times been called bitter regarding my feelings towards the Mormon Church. I am not bitter but saddened and disappointed with the church. Everytime I hear someone read Leviticus 18:22, explain that homosexuality is giving into carnality or compare me to an alcoholic, polygamist or pedophile. Everytime the church steps in to strip away individual freedoms or ask for donations to destroy marriage in the name of God. Everytime I am told that homosexuality will be the destruction of society as we know it, I hear “I hate you because you are different. You don’t deserve to be treated as an equal. You are not worth it.”
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